Phase 1, defined by feeling "locked in" to a job or relationship, or both. "It's an illusory sense of being trapped," said Robinson. "You can leave but you feel you can't."
Since the start of 2012, I have been planning to abandon my job as a reports analyst in a multinational shipping company. It does sound like a perfect job with all the overflowing benefits and over-the-top salary and stuff, but it's not. It's just a brand and I hate what I do in the office. It's repetitive and boring. But for some odd reason I can't even submit a freakin' letter of resignation. I'm just very vocal about it, telling everyone that I'll be resigning soon but can't even muster the courage to write that damn letter. I don't think it's me chickening out. It's just that if I resign, I don't know what to do after and where to go. Last May I wrote my nanay and tatay a very heartfelt (but stupid) letter telling them I wanna leave the corporate world because I just want to stay at home and take care of my dogs. Naturally they were shouting at me when they called telling me how stupid I was to even think of such an idea. They were so angry that I felt like they would disown me if I continue with my plan. K, fine. At first I was so defensive and all, but later on I realized that they're absolutely correct. Even though I hate my job, it's plain stupid to stay at home and fend for the dogs all throughout my life.
After that wake-up call from nanay and tatay, I started brainstorming and thinking of my hobbies and interests that I could possibly turn into a multibillion mega business. Charot. Well as long as it takes me out of my current company, or any other company for that matter, I'm in. I want to work for nobody but myself. Think about it, we're all just corporate slaves who do the dirty part of the job but all the money goes to the owner, president, CEO or whoever's on top. That idea always leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, but that's how this capitalist system works. It's so not right, but we can't do anything about it. So I gathered my closest friends and family and we came up with this events management shit. Toto will be the photographer, my sibling will be the make up artist, and my officemates and I will be the events specialists slash all around alalay. I'll also be like the manager, hihi. I quickly created a website for our project and searched the net for ideas. All's good - I'll just have to put up with my sucky job until our business becomes full-fledged. And that, my friends, hasn't been achieved up until now -- six whole months after we started talking about this new venture.
Phase 3 is a period of rebuilding a new life.
Phase 4 is the cementing of fresh commitments that reflect the young person's new interests, aspirations and values.
Well obviously I haven't even gotten over Phase 2 or even Phase 1 so it's useless to talk about phases 3 and 4. I feel so pathetic and hopeless and old and lost. It's been three and a half years since I graduated from college and I feel like I haven't achieved anything significant yet. I graduated with honors and all that shit but that doesn't really help me in anything nor does it guarantee success and satisfaction. I know people who are summas and magnas and they're now very successful. I also know people who were just average at school but are now earning twice my salary and enjoying their job. And me? I have a job that I don't enjoy and that doesn't pay me well. I'm such a loser. And it sucks even more that I'm not doing anything about it because I honestly don't know what to do. Pretty hopeless, huh?
Actually, there's this major, major problem that causes all this confusion in my life right now. It's the fact that I don't know what I want. When I was in first grade I dreamed of becoming a teacher. On the second grade, I changed my mind and decided to be a doctor. But the next year I realized I wanted to be an architect. It's a fucking endless trend. Even when I took the college entrance exam I didn't have any idea what course to take. I ended up taking Speech Communication. I don't have any regrets about taking it whatsoever. But the problem with courses like this is that it doesn't give you a clear direction as to where you're going after school. Unlike engineering or architecture or statistics or psychology. I mean, I can go to marketing, advertising, media, public relations, theatre, arts, BPO, just about anywhere!
That's why I envy Toto because from the beginning he already knows that he wants to be an architect and a photographer. And someone I know went straight to media right after college and he's now an industry-renowned researcher/scriptwriter. I also know someone who waited a long time to get her dream job in an advertising company. Looking at their Facebook profiles and reading their statuses about how happy they are in their jobs just make me wanna go to the corner and cry. I'm totally in the dark here.
Like I don't know what I'm really, really good at. I mean, I'm decent at Excel, computer stuff, web design, photography, videography, and arguing. For instance, just yesterday I had a heated argument with my boss. Hihi. My lolo actually told me that if he just had enough money, he'd send me to law school. No. Even though I still don't know what I want, at least I'm pretty sure about the things I don't want.
Another major concern I have is my super short attention span. Last month, I'm interested in this. The month before that, I'm interested in a totally different thing. Next month I'll probably be interested in some other stuff. Like when I started this travel blog just because someone I know also started one. I thought I could maintain this even though I know I'm not a good writer. Like also the instance when I was so into videography and was so inspired by Jason Magbanua that I was about to buy a super nice camera even if it meant exhausting all my funds. Sometimes I can get very impulsive.
I'm just depressed right now because I don't know where to go or what to do. I really feel like a complete failure. And I'm not getting any younger. I'll be turning 24 at the end of this month. Hopefully I can sort things out before the year ends :(